I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
