when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
