TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize