I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize