Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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