OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
