you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
