Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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