i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
