i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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