This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
