I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
