I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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