Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
