I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
