It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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