In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
We need a shit load of segways right now
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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