Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
two words: eviction party
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
