Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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