Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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