I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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