and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
