I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
