i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
