I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
