oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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