I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
