i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
