Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
