Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
