i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
