I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
