i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
