I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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