I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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