For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
