i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
