i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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