Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
