"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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