You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize