dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
