Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
