OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
