god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Sorry my hands just texted you
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
