he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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