He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
