Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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