apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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