There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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