He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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