you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
