so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Less talking, more tequila
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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