if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
