From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
