wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
