She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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