so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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