I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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