Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
