What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
